The Four Greatest Cartoons Ever

If you were ever a kid, you mostly likely spent your days frolicking in the wilderness, playing with matchbox cars, and most importantly, watching cartoons. A more than healthy dose of cartoons. Later on you'd graduate to Saved By the Bell and Charles in Charge, but early on if the actors were real, you most likely weren't down with it. I'm gonna make a bold statement and say that my generation, growing up in the 80s, had by far the best cartoons ever. People that came before had lame stuff like Popeye and Felix the Cat. The kids nowadays have Dora the Explora and other awfulness (Spongebob is a shining exception). Today I'm gonna give you my four greatest cartoons of all time, and you're going to like it.

 He-Man: I think He-Man was the first cartoon I ever really became obsessed with. And by obsessed I mean made my parents buy me the action figures. I don't really remember much about the show itself. I do remember the "I Have the Power" transformation and how I used to do it constantly throughout the day. I had most of the figures, including the awesome and rarely repeated in toy-making today, battle damage. How cool was it that when u smashed your He-Man figure into the evil Skeletor figure that Skeletor figure actually got a giant silver gash across his chest? Eat that, bitch. I also had the Skunk guy, also known as the only action figure to ever smell like ass right out of the box. So that was fun. I think one of the worst moments of my life was when my dad ran over Merman with the lawnmower. The poor guy didn't make it. And then my dad tried giving him back to me and telling me that he was fine, even though I could clearly see Merman had no lower body anymore and could definitely no longer spit water. Luckily I got a new one asap, or my dad's stereo was gonna take a fall. And then of course, were the fake, plastic muscles I used to strap on my scrawny arms and then my brother would put on the Skeletor mask and hold that goat's skull staff thing and I would beat the crap out of him. Always a good time.

 

He's got the F'ning POWER people, what does he have to do to prove it to you? Geez.

Transformers: Optimus Prime is my father. Seriously. My human dad was just one of those construction worker guys that agreed to pretend he was my dad when Prime asked him. Transformers was the coolest show ever. It had cars and planes and they shot at each other (never actually hitting though). Everybody makes fun of Bumblebee but back then I didn't see him as a sissy or anything, he was kinda like the construction worker kid's buddy. He was a transformer version of a kid or something. Starscream was a badass, but Soundwave was the pinnacle of awesome. He talked cool, he looked cool and other bad guys came out of his chest. Awesome. My friend Chris likes to talk about the episode where the Decepticons get drunk off the energon cubes as his favorite episode. I'm gonna say yeah, that episode was sweet as hell. The worst moment in Transformers history? The Movie. The movie brought an end to my innocence. I was no longer naive, fun-loving Ryan, I became cold and bitter. All cause some ass felt the time had come to make those laser blasts hit. And boy did they hit. Everyone died in the first minute of the movie! What the F? And then they kill Prime? Nooooooooooooooooooo! I think I cried that day, I'm not gonna lie.You all probably did too. At least Prime went out in the coolest "going out" scene ever. "One shall stand, one shall fall." "How can you throw away your life so recklessly?" "A question you should ask yourself, Megatron". And Prime kicked his ass until that bitch Hot Rod showed up. Errrrrrrr.

The Real Ghostbusters: There was the fake, lame, Go-bot-esque version and then the REAL Ghostbusters, never get them confused. I don't think there was ever a bad episode. Is this cartoon out on DVD? Everyone of them was so F'ning awesome it hurts my body. The Bogeyman, The Sandman, Sam Haine aka Halloween. That episode where the blue guy plays the flute to try and bring the apocalypse but his hunchback friend stops him. The one where the house is full of different sized holes and different sized ghosts come out of them. Awesome. When I'm famous I'm going to check into hotels as Winston Zeddmore. Remember when Peter was on that date at the art museum and at night all the paintings would come to life? Ahhh, good times. I used to draw all the ghosts, cut them out and tape them to my walls. Then my brother and I would put on our proton packs and go to work. A cartoon can't get better than that. On a Related Note: We will never talk about Ghostbusters Extreme or the Junior Ghostbusters..

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:  I would've loved to be in the room for this show's pitch meeting. "Yeah, its about four giant, teenage turtles that like to surf and eat pizza with their teacher, a giant rat. And then they're gonna fight a guy covered in metal and a brain on a stool. And it's gonna be sweet as hell. The kids will love it." And the kids did love it my friends, they loved it all the way to the bank. I believe it's still on TV to this day. April was hot, you know you wanted to do her, even if you didn't know what "doing her" meant yet, herb.

Until next week, see you at the Cybertron Bar and Grill.

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