Tampax Commercials

 This week I'd like to discuss some television commercials that have been flooding my TV recently. There are a few clever ones, and I really enjoy the clever ones, but more often than not they are just awful, almost as bad as those 5 minute "Reggae Jams" compilation cd infomercial things. You can pay me $500,000 and I will make you people some kick ass commercials, but no, you won't listen to me, you listen to some old, rich white dude who thinks he has his finger on the pulse of teenage girls everywhere. But is he the king of pop culture? No. I am. Ad execs ain't got nothin on me. Damn "the Man" and his unwillingness to pay me to sell out.  Cause I would, in a second. Anyway, the leader in terrible commercials I would pay money to see go away is……..Tampax. And we will discuss this in further detail………now.

 I'd like to start by saying that yes, girls, I will never truly "understand" (why using a tampon requires some great, otherworldly understanding has always eluded me). I was born a male, and was not given the duty of cooking, cleaning, laundry,  watching Oprah, birthing children and the fun bleeding for life that comes with it, and I apologize for not knowing what that's like. Apparently it is just my job to push the seed in your bush for life and then go back to watching E! True Hollywood Stories and eating Doritos until I get crumbs all over my shirt and orange stuff all over my hands and face. So I'm just gonna talk about how Tampax commercials make me as a guy feel and I'm sorry if you are offended but hey, I'm offended that they didn't get any hot Italian chicks on the new Joe Millionaire, and I'm doing alright.  

It was bad enough back in the day when you'd be watching football and then a commercial full of cheerleaders would come on, and they'd be dancing and smiling and then blam!, out of nowhere you were told Tampax was there. Cause nobody wants to know where Tampax is, you try to block the idea of that out of your head, like girls going to the bathroom (doesn't happen).  But now, it has gotten worse. Two different Tampax campaigns at once! Looks like it's time to take a jump off the Trenton Makes, World Takes Bridge, because it can't get any worse than that, people.  We've got the "Multipack and Pearl" commercials and then the ever-so-popular "Compak" commercials. The girl wears white in the Pearl commercial to show you that the tiny piece of braided cotton stuff  is just soooo incredibly awesome you can wear white with it. In real life, you still won't, cause I'd laugh at you when your crotch started seeping red and you went running out of the room crying. Plus you'd ruin your nice white pants cause bloodstains don't really come out, and those white pants looked so hot on you. I like how Tampax makes fun of themselves and their customers though when the boyfriend downstairs at the really happenin' party calls her "super-classy" as she hangs a tampon rope out the window. Speaking of which, how exactly does she get the tampon rope to grab the dropped Pearl tampon? Gum? I don't think that would work. Ahh, life's mysteries.

 Then there's the Multipack commercial which I feel everyone on Earth knows about and doesn't really need to annoy me by advertising during the marathon of Newlyweds I'm currently involved in. That damned Multipack took the place of my Maxim magazines on the top of the toilet tank for 5 months last year. I can even tell you the colors: green, yellow and pink. Multipack and I are sworm enemies to the bitter end. Multipack better hope I don't see him at the club next weekend, cause I got a shank with his name on it.  But the mind blowing thing about the Multipack commercial is the cameo by Pearl Girl! She comes out at the end to declare "someone has been using my tampons!" What the F? What are you doing back? And why aren't you using Pearls anymore? And what kind of cycle are you on that you constantly need a tampon?  Toxic Shock sounds like a kickass name for an 80s band by the way, doesn't it? "Dude, I'm going to the Poison/Toxic Shock concert next week! it's gonna be totally tubular!" "Radical!" Anyway,  this girl has become like the Dell Dude but for tampons. That can't possibly be good for your career, right? "Hey man, let us into this club, I'm in a string of tampon commercials, you know, super-classy?". She must need the money real bad. I'm sorry girl, but like the Red Sox, your career is OVAH!

The Tampax Compak are just as bad a campaign. Compaks are designed to be discreet and able to fit inside your palm so that girls can slip out to the bathroom or whatnot with some privacy or something along those lines. So they're supposed to be a semi-secret amongst the female population, that is the whole reason for creating a concealable tampon. And yet the company gives away your secret in a commercial that runs on MTV every 5 minutes. Let's say that maybe, somewhere out there is a dude that is actually dumb enough to think your tampon was a roll of Smarties (which have never come in gold wrappers mind you, and even then I would open the wrapper to eat some, Smarties are so tasty) or maybe a sugar packet (who knows why he looks in your purse for a sugar packet when you're at a damn coffee shop full of sugar packets) like the commercials suggest. He has been fooled, you're Compak planned worked. Buying the discreet Compak has paid off, no embarrassment in front of the boyfriend.  So now, let's show him the secret while he watches the World Series! It's genius! Now next time when he's rummaging through your purse he'll know you don't carry sugar packets and Smarties and jokingly (unless you gonna do it) declare it BJ week and tell everyone he knows that you've got a string hanging out cause you're probably in High School and he's immature like that. Tampax has just blown the cover on the whole operation, surely getting thousands of agents killed in the process. Which leads to me ask, have you ever seen a string hanging out of a girl's shorts in real life before? It's humorous for a moment, but I feel so bad for the girl at the same time. You can't go up and tell her, she'd be devastated, right? Why isn't she wearing underwear to begin with that it is even free to hang? That's just asking for it.  Once again, I do not understand, enlighten me.

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