Suicide Pools & ESPN’s “Playmakers”

Welcome Herbs, to the greatest column that will ever be written. Better than the Sports Guy, better than Page Six, better than anything Harvey Yavener (writer for the Trenton Times) has ever done in his life. This column will tackle a range of important issues from sports, to Hollywood, to history, to activities like Table Tennis that people think are sports but they are most surely not. So here's how it's gonna go down, listen up: I'm gonna write a little column on whatever I feel like once a week (on Mondays most likely), full of my OPINIONS and other random stuff I can't go into detail about now. I'll probably piss a lot of you people who have nothing to do but whine about things off, but that's the price you pay. After my column is done I will answer questions about anything, that you, my soon to be loyal viewer will submit. And when I say ask anything, I mean it. You can ask me about the time I slept with Rich's mom, or why the Eagles are going to go 7-9. Now onto the show, Mario, hit it.

 Mario: Here weeeeeee gooooooo!

I'd like to start this off by discussing the recent "fad of the week". I realize I'm just perpetuating this fad, but I feel it needs addressing here. Suicide Pools. Or as the politically correct TV networks have been calling them, "Elimination Pools". It's where you pick 1 team to win the game that week, and if they lose you're out for good. If they win you continue on but can never pick that team to win again. Sounds sweet as hell, right? Please. It is awful. Suicide Pools are the dumbest thing I've heard since my friend Bryan stole a feminine napkin from a women's bathroom and wiped it on his face because he thought "how come women get their own special napkins and us guys can't use them? Maybe they're softer or something.". ABC, FOX, and especially Boomer on ESPN have been all over Suicide Pool's nuts for like a week now. Every NFL Live I watch has a segment. It angers me. Why? Because they're promoting crap. You want to promote something Sean Salisbury? Tell everybody about this column and how awesome as hell it is. Suicide Pools are not fun. How do I know? Cause I got suckered into one. Everyone gets booted in like the first 2 weeks. Especially with the Miami disaster. And unless you have like 200 people in your pool, which would mean you don't even know 3/4 of them, there will be only 2 people left competing by week 3, thanks to Parity-palooza. Where's the fun? "Yeah! I won the championship 2 weeks after it started! What am I gonna do for the next 15?". Lame, people, lame. It's like when my friend Rich got a job at Target, and therefore access to wild and crazy discounts on stuff I want, like DVDs and video games. But did he give us said discounts? No. LAME.

Speaking of wild and crazy, I'm gonna go out and assume that a lot of you have been watching Playmakers on ESPN. I have. My friends have. There is nothing else to do on Tuesday nights, at least until Smallville and my wife Kristin Kreuk(I miss you baby) come back. But looking past the blatant "controversial" things like how the actors curse on regular television and how there are a million shots of drug use, psychos and naked chicks, there is Omar Gooding. Our friend Omar plays DH, Demetrius Harris, rookie runningback and super-crackhead. In the first 3 episodes our friend DH has smoked crack multiple times, participated in threesomes, stuck a cathoder up himself in order to pass a drug test and covered for his friend who shot some dude. DH is not a pleasant character. So when the execs sat down for casting, what the hell made them choose Omar "Wild and Crazy Kids" Gooding? Anyone above 17 years old knows of "Wild and Crazy Kids", a nickelodeon game show where it was basically field day everyday. Man, I wanted to be on the blue team sooooo bad. So when they look at DH, they just see Omar chasing a 6 year old around with a cream pie. It just doesn't work. Omar doesn't smoke crack, he hangs out with Mr. Cooper. "Hey Coop". You can't cast a Nickelodeon/Disney legend as a crack fiend and get people who grew up watching said legend to believe it. Sorry, ESPN, you have failed us all. You might as well bring Marc Summers in as a spouse-abusing assistant coach or something. And then the whole team can take turns going through the obstacle course and sliding through that mouth/tongue thing full of cream at the end. Don't forget to grab the flag Olczyk! You know what that show needs? Lawrence Taylor. Did you see him in "Any Given Sunday? The man should've won an Oscar, I'm serious.

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