Real World: Paris

 Sup Herbs, welcome back to the greatest column ever. I've been playing Oregon Trail Deluxe all week, and I was gonna write about that, but I feel there's an even greater force in society that I must currently address. Oregon Trail will have to go find some wild fruit and wait till next week because this week, The Real World must be stopped. I'm serious. Stop it Bunim/Murray,  you bastard. Or at least cast my friends and I.

Now I understand that most of it is clever editing and manipulation of clips to create a "dramatic" storyline, but seriously, these toolboxes have to go. This show hasn't been quality since Hawaii and you all know it (Battle of the Sexes was as awesome as they come though). All right, let's break down the "characters" on the show this season:

Adam: Adam's father was in the Commodores. He brings that up like twice an episode. Adam's father was not Lionel Ritchie. Therefore, Adam's father had no talent and was essentially a backup singer. So what the hell makes Adam think that he has any musical talent whatsoever? And why doesn't anyone tell him that his "songs" aren't really songs at all, they're like spoken word. And more importantly why the hell doesn't somebody start cracking up and rolling on the ground when that greasy ass bastard puts on that gay ass bowler hat and starts telling everybody that he "will-not-be-a-fraid-to-cry"? Nobody cares Adam, we're all laughing at you. If I saw you in the street I would mock you and point in your face and laugh. And you were a dumbass for letting the Canadian go(maybe she didn't want to F you with your dick?). She was waaaaaaay above your level and yet wanted you for some reason. So you ditch her for a fugly chick that just wants to be on television. I hate you.

 

"I am just asking to die" 

CT: CT is the coolest guy on this show. One cause he's from Boston and has the funny accent and half of my current readers probably do too, and two because he treats all the bitches in the house like they should be treated. He ate some peanut butter, big deal. I ate like Aaron's entire bag of taco cheese once, he didn't seem to mind. Roommates eat other roommates stuff sometimes. CT is a good guy. They all just gang up on him cause he wouldn't have sex with Simon or something and so Simon got everyone to hate the kid. They f'n left him behind on that train ride. And yet, he is always there for them when they need him. Telling that girl he doesn't like her goldigging Adam, consoling Leah after the dinner fight even though she talks ish about him constantly. That diary thing and his inability to hold alcohol is kinda sad, but he definetly gets the raw deal of the bunch.

Mallory and Christina: They don't deserve their own paragraphs cause they've done nothing on the show. Christina walks around looking hot and skanky while Mallory bitches about stuff and pretends to be innocent when she's really just one of those girls who wants to put out constantly but won't because she likes blue balls. I don't know. Somebody said Christina was at the same bar as them and she was all over some dude. I wish that dude was me. She has big, fake boobies.  Mallory needs to quit whining about dress shoes. Why do girls think that we care what shoes they wear? If you are hot you can wear your stupid New Balance running shoes to the bar. I'm staring at your chest, not your feet. Your feet could be hooves or like have eyeballs or something and nobody would even notice. If your feet have eyeballs though I want you to email me cause that would be awesome to see.

Ace: You are a country hick with an accent that makes you sound like a moron. You should've kicked that cab driver's ass you giant vagina. Oh no, your girlfriend got scared when you got violent. Well now she'll make your sandwiches quicker when you ask for them. If a cabbie doesn't want your money you should beat his ass no questions asked. You didn't even get the rush of running away while he angrily screams from the distance. 

Leah: Leah reminds me of my friend Jenn. At least in the way she looks. Personality, totally different. If you didn't want your brother to hook up with people then don't bring him around girl. Your roommates wouldn't dress that way if they didn't want it. Nobody likes you and you're in love with a gross Italian dude.  Why do you girls magically fall for random foreigners all because they're foreign? The dude could have giant herpes bombs on his face and you'd want him cause he talks funny and smells. I'm Italian. And I probably live closer. If you want me to pretend I can barely speak English and just make dumbass comments like "yousa looking good tonight", "Itsa me! Mario!"  and "My name is Guiseppe, I live in a 2×2 shack behind the restaurant!" I'll do it. No furry collars though.

Simon: And then there's Simon. Simon is a bitch. Not because he's gay, but because he thinks that since he's Scottish he's better than everybody. I would punch him for that. When was the last time you saw him chillin with the guys? Is he too good for 50 hours of billiards a week? All he does is sit in one of the girls' rooms and talk trash about everybody else. The kid is a backstabber and a half. Even Leah, who was like his best friend, he turned around on her cause the other girls were. You're a sheep Simon, a homosexual sheep.

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