I was on Kazaa lately, browsing through the "merchandise" and I downloaded Oregon Trail Deluxe (which is now abandonware and free to download in case you're a twelve year old girl scared of being sued by rich old white dudes). Ohhhh, the memories. Odell Down Under, Number Munchers, Dr. Quandary, Carmen Sandiego; all were the beautiful children of the Apple IIGS. But nothing, and I mean nothing, compared to Oregon Trail Deluxe. Don't kid yourself, you're relaxing in the back of your 5th grade classroom when out of nowhere, bam! biff!, it's free period! You get to do whatever you want. While the girls huddled up in the coat rack area to discuss what was surely lame stuff like hopscotch and ponytail ribbon colors, all the cool badasses headed towards the classroom crack that was the IIGS, and they'd heat that crack with MECC's cross-country masterpiece, "Da Trail". Inhale boys, this is gonna be one hell of a ride.
"It looks glorious!"
Right off the bat you gotta decide who you're rolling with. And usually it ended up being you, your three best guy friends, and the one hot chick in the class that you wanted to bang before you really knew what that meant, back then you just thought "she's pretty" and had an urge to touch the boobs she hadn't grown yet. Smooth man, real smooth. So now you got your peoples, time to decide how much money you have. If only I got to decide how much money I have right now. I wouldn't be living with my parents, I'll tell you that. The jackasses trying to beat your top score may choose the saddlemaker, but the saddlemaker is a loser in life, and those jackasses will be too. You, my friend, are a winner. You know you dig the filling meals and the crapload of oxen. Apparently you also loooove 20 hour workdays and barely seeing your family as you schmooze clients and snort cocaine, cause you, sir, are a banker. Why you want to blow all your money on wagon wheels and farm animals and move away when you're obviously living quite well on the east coast is beyond me, but the game doesn't explain it and neither will I, you basically buy everything the shop has, screwing anyone else that may have wanted to go to "Oregon" and the Worst-Road-Trip-Of-All-Time-Next-To-The-Trail-Of-Tears begins….
"Apparently the wagon is just for show"
Nobody wants to go to Oregon. How bad could the rest of the U.S. have been that people would voluntarily die to reach the Portland Trailblazers? I cannot even imagine. I think MECC made up the whole "oregon trail" thing. It never really happened. First time through you try and beat the game, resting for incredibly long periods to heal people and watching your food supplies, etc. After that, it's see how fast you can kill everyone and then leave a funny headstone. My game was over after the first river once, try to beat that sucka. But let's pretend you do want to beat it, here are some questions you may ask:
1.) Pace and Rations? Steady and Filling if you want to live. Otherwise, please, go grueling and bare bones. Grueling makes your wagon run like a dragster. You little 5 pixel oxen move their legs twice and you've covered like 200 miles. And then there's nothing more hilarious that seeing that empty plate on the main control screen. Even if you just slaughtered 7 buffalo, why waste the food by eating it? Put it to good use by just leaving it there. It gives the Indians something to cry about. Cause if the Indians couldn't cry, they'd have nothing left. 2.) Ford, Caulk, Ferry, Hire the Indian? Unless you are a supreme pansy, always ford the river. Unless the river is 3.0 feet deep. Then you caulk the wagon. It's like defusing a bomb, people. Is the wagon gonna make it? Any second it could sink/tip, man, this river sure is wide, I'm biting my nails. But who are we kidding? MECC made it so that no matter what you choose you're gonna take a swim (unless you actually pay $5 for the ferry, which is like $500 of today's dollars). The great part is seeing how much stuff you lost, and which of your friends are actually capable of drowning when your wagon tips over in 3 feet of water. Never hire the Indian at Snake River. 3 sets of clothes! Are you kidding me? That could buy Manhattan back then. Gadsen made his purchase for only 2 sets of clothes. And they were his kids old Osh Kosh Begosh's with the knees all ripped up from playing in the dust bowl. And all you're getting is a trip across a river you could cross yourself. No way. Speaking of Indians, if you talk to people in the game, at forts and whatnot, there is one Indian man who actually speaks of killing people. "The Pawnee are mortal enemies of the Sioux. I would not hesitate to kill any Pawnee I met. But I have never killed a white man." What the F? Nobody asked you, man. And Native Americans today wonder why race relations are so bad, it's MECC and their psycho Indian's fault. Look for it, it's creepy as hell for a freaking pre-teen Apple IIGS game I'm playing during free period.
"RIP Iron Eyes Cody"
3.) River Rafting or The Barlow Toll Road? If you even have to ask this question I hate you. Why would you pay a toll to some douche named Barlow when you could freaking ride the rapids for free? If I could ride the New Jersey Turnpike on a raft with my covered wagon on top to get out of paying the tolls I would do it. And it's not even like the river ride is hard. The rocks are crazy spread apart and they give you 15 years to react to each one. It's a game for little children, people. If I catch you at the Barlow Toll I'm telling Crazy Horse that you're 100% Pawnee AND that you slaughtered like 57 buffalo on your way over (cause if you play like I do, odds are you did). See you in Valhalla biatch.
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"
So there you go. You made it. Willamette Valley. You spent all that time, rode all those miles in a wagon with bare bones rations, got bitten by a snake 7 times, broke your leg 4 times, caught an army's share of dysentery and lost 4 people in a "freak" fording disaster, all for that 1.5-bit picture of an awful green mass with the old timey, goldrushy guy smiling in your face cause he knows you're an idiot, that is apparently the Willamette Valley and your new life. Way to go man, way to think it through. I told you Oregon was a scam.
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